Donna's blog #4

Donna and her friend, "Sarah"!

Howdy friends – well it was an interesting week returning from my trip having had to make many food decisions as I shared earlier. Most recently I had some “aha” moments around both food and friends. When you take on such a large goal to lose a lot of weight over a period of time it becomes an event. When you are brave enough to share your efforts with friends and family, seeking their support, they become part of your journey – both in a good way and a bit of a challenging way. For those of you who have struggled with food and weight management, we know that it really is not about the food but around our brains! It is all the debilitating thinking that goes on, the beating ourselves up, the lack of trust in ourselves to actually attain our weight goals and then be able to maintain them, the mindset of “Oh, I blew it so I might as well blow it even more”, etc….

So let me first say, it is most important that we have the support from our friends and family and then let me say that it is also important that we set boundaries for their involvement in our food choices and weight management. In some ways, our friends/families watch us more closely, worry about our well-being, and are quick to “not trust us”. They may watch us at a gathering and think, “Oh, no, she ate this and that, I wonder if she is out of control.” That critical eye is the last thing many of us need. We are critical enough of ourselves.

I would like to share a situation that occurred with one of my most dearest friends in the world. Immediately after a social event, I received a loving call from my friend, Sarah (name changed J). Sarah is truly one of my most supportive, uplifting and loving girlfriends. We talk about everything and she knows my weight challenges well. She loves me and wants the best for me. In that loving spirit she called and asked me a question that truly gave me reason to pause. She asked me what level of support and sharing I would like from her around my weight management, particularly around sharing her concerns about my eating when we are together (my words – her essence of what I heard). I told her I needed to think on that. Of course, then my mind goes into – “wow, did she see something this evening that I didn’t?” “Am I a loser again on this front?” “I wish I never shared, that is all I need now is someone watching my every morsel and feeling like I am under a microscope.” UGGGHHHHH! The dilemma of wanting and needing support and keeping everything completely private so no one can have an opinion! J

One of the things Sarah shared was that she was surprised to see me have a sliver of cake at a girlfriend gathering (so I did have a sliver of cake). What I shared was that I am learning some great things on my program. It was not the sliver of cake that would be my problem. It would be the meaning I would attach to having that sliver. Would it then go into, “I failed”, “I have no control so I might as well blow my whole program” and then keep going on eating binges. An emotional eating counselor from my program shared that how she wants us to handle these decisions, is more that “I made this decision to eat X, it is okay, it is not going to set me off, I am in charge of my own decisions, no obsessing over it, let it go…. Get back on track immediately…” That is what I had done until I heard from Sarah. Though I knew it came from a loving heart, I heard it as “I don’t trust you….I think you could easily gain it all back……I love you and need to stop you from hurting yourself…” My rational mind said – she just loves you and wants to help you.

So, after much thought, I think I am realizing that making my needs clear is what I need to do for those people who love me and support me on my weight loss journey. So for those of you who read this and love me here is what I need -----

What I need is tons of positive support, ideas for making it work in my life. If, which I am committed to not having this happen, I begin to gain weight back and look as though I am eating “in reckless abandonment”, please ask for a separate conversation, not connected to what I just ate but instead the bigger picture, and ask how you can support me to get back on track because you know how much my health and wellbeing means to me. Examining what I eat at each gathering with an eye and question toward “oh, should I stop her now, is this bad?” does not help me. The lack of trust makes me question my own trust in myself. I am working at managing my food. I know what I ate, my exercise, how I prepared for eating that day. What Sarah did not know, was the amount of discussion that went on in my head about every morsel that I ate at the gathering. Choices that I was actually proud of – choosing more grilled veggies, putting back some broiled potatoes so I could just have a small taste and leave some calories for cake. I knew what I could allow, I knew what I had all day, and made a conscious, though hard decision about the sliver of cake as opposed to throwing all caution to the wind and just eating.

So my advice to those who love someone who is on a weight loss journey is to love them, support them and demonstrate trust in their decisions. Recognize that there could be a time when we are weak and out of control. We need you then, too. You will see it over some time through eating and weight gain, attitude, sadness, etc.. At that point, step in with a bigger picture eye to help us get back on track before it becomes a bigger problem. The approach should be in a separate conversation, aimed at how important you know health is to us and asking how you can support us. Not about the food from that one situation.

Thank you to my friend, Sarah – for loving me so much that she wants me to lead my best life. Thank you to Sarah for making me reflect on what I really need for support. Thank you to Sarah for being the best friend anyone could ever have! Keep your friends and family close when you are on any major journey in your life. Keep the big picture in mind and continue to come from love -----and all will be well!